Your Soulmate is not your LifePartner

Soulmate or life partner

Your soulmate is not your ‘end’ mate or ‘significant other’. He is not the man that will live out your days with you and bring you coffee in the morning and be by your side no matter what.

Your soulmate is not some magical mythical being who is perfect in every way and who you never fight with or get frustrated with. Your soul mate is certainly not your doormat, or your personal assistant.

I’ll tell you what your soul mate is – and if you find her, hold on. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I can promise you that when that ride has reached it’s destination and it is time to disembark and move on, you WILL be a different person. And this is a wonderful and powerful thing – although it won’t feel like it at the time.

Your soul mate is the person that you meet who takes your breath away immediately, you are never really sure WHY they do this, or HOW they do this, they just do. It’s different than your life mate – your life mate will take your breath away by being such a perfect match for you it amazes you every day. But they usually don’t make you turn inside out with that vague sense of anxiety that feels ‘oh so good’! They are your partners, your soul mates are designed and here to make you anxious – and there is a reason for this.

Soul Mate

You are beyond compare – you light up the room and you light up my insides. It’s a strange, uneasy feeling, but it feels so good and so RIGHT at the time. It’s an all encompassing energy that tingles from the head down to the toes. Nothing else seems to matter but you. Part of me feels like this is a bit too much, and that part is right, but I ignore it for this feeling is all to incredible to waste on caution. Soul Mate, you consume me and I consume you – you spin me around, make me dizzy and also make me unsure about everything. At the same time, I have never been so sure about anyone or anything before.Climax after climax I find myself wondering if I have finally ‘made it!’  This fire burns brightly and hotly and at times I wonder if it will burn itself out – but I dismiss those thoughts as quickly as I can – for who wants to second guess this ferocious intensity. I ride the wave with an addict’s commitment – I don’t look behind me or in front of me – I only look at the thing that is making me feel so wonderful. I need more and more and more. I never want it to end. And then one day it does. It is over faster than I can even process. The how, or why just doesn’t seem to be coherent or real. It’s just over. I am plunged into darkness as fast as I was elevated to what I thought was heaven. My world crumbles, my identity crumbles, my heart crumbles and my soul appears to crumble too and abandon me for you – wherever you have gone. It’s a horrible, scary and lonely time. I feel like I won’t survive it, the pain is so great. I wonder where all those incredibly luscious feelings have gone, what did I do? How could this happen? How could I have been so wrong about something that seemed so wonderful?

It feels like I will never rise out from this swamp of doubt, shame, sadness and grief. And right when I give up and surrender completely, something small starts to change. I don’t feel it at first, It is a deep place that has changed within. This trauma and this jolt that has severed every part of me has somehow woken something else up. As I move forward day to day, I start to realize that this something needed to wake up, this something is powerful, it is more me than anything else was before. It is stronger, more empowered, more everything. Within time I start to realize that the worst time of my life was actually the greatest gift I could have been given. My soul has been jolted awake, and my identity has been shattered apart to fall into something so much more complete and fused with strength. This is the journey, this was meant to be my experience. This time in my life has birthed the best of me.

This is a soul mate – this is what he or she does.

This person exists to tear down everything that was you, and turn the ground over to prepare for something brand new. Soul Mates are meant to rock our foundation – they are meant to destroy every part of us that is outdated and needs to evolve. They are meant to dismantle us by opening us up so wide that we fall into ourselves. Soul Mate – you are forever my greatest gift and I have immense gratitude for what you gave me.

You led me right to me, and then right to the REAL life mate. The match who is not the soul mate, but is the hearts mate. The soul has done it’s work and now it is time for the heart to blossom. It is time now for the absolute beauty of unquestionable trust. The soul is not the place of stability and foundation, the soul is the place of discovery, growth and change. This is what the soul desires and what it requires to fully express itself. The Heartmate – the person you will most likely spend the rest of your life with, is not here to disrupt or shake you awake. That work has been done with your soulmate.

Heart Mate

You are peace, you are comfort, you are safety where there has been none before. You don’t make my body shake with trembles because I feel no anxiety around you. You don’t make my stomach flutter because I feel no doubt around you. You don’t make my body tingle because there is no danger here. You are a place that I call home because there is no place you would rather be than with me. The connection is unconditional, the support is limitless and the journey is smooth and the kind of pleasure that only a warm soothing bath can give you. Heart mate you make me feel deeply, the feeling is not surface and infatuated, it is not filled with trepidation and thrills, it is filled with knowing and trust. This is a different place –  and before I had met my soul mate I would not have been able to see you, appreciate you, know you and choose you. My soul was not ready for this kind of love until I had completed that journey. I can see this journey being a long one, I have no thoughts of the end, because it is not designed to end, it is designed to support, empower, encourage and simply BE.

♥ Don’t confuse your soul mate with your heart mate.
♥ Don’t confuse your  heart mate for your soul mate.

They are not the same, and they are not here for the same reasons.

And here is one incredible distinction: Your Heart Mate you will Choose, your Soul Mate you will not.

It will take your soulmate to teach you HOW to choose. A soulmate you recognize, you have a part to play with them, you have a connection that needs to run it’s course – it feels destined, because it is. You understand each other, know each other and ignite around each other. Soulmates come in many shapes and sizes, and may not always be lovers, but they will always teach us something. Your heartmate you will choose, carefully. It will be a choice you will make daily until those days are done. This is a partner for life, one that you have seen and selected because of the truth of the connection, the purity and the depth of love and support.

Life is full of experiences – and how we react and respond to them will design what our life looks like. If you have found yourself in a place of pure abandon with a soul mate, only to realize that this person was not a life mate, don’t despair. Don’t hate, don’t hold anger. Thank them deeply for the gift that they have given you. The gift of deep grief – the kind that can open you up so deeply that you can source the magic that lies within you to find the true essence of you.

It’s not a fairytale, it’s not false, it’s not surface – with true pain there comes the opposite of true joy. Life in its implicit simplicity and eleganceYour Soul Mate is Not our Life Partner works the best with balance, contrast and equality. If you feel no pain, you will not feel the joy. If you don’t explore the darkness you will not find the light. Yin/Yang is a concept that is centuries old – and it is the purest explanation for what life is when it is lived fully.

Don’t be afraid to fall, and don’t’ be afraid to open up again. If you have been lucky enough to be hurt badly enough by a soul mate or three, embrace it, fall into it and let it teach you what it is here to teach you. Emerge stronger, clearer and transformed.

Don’t stay small by giving in to fear, hate and anger – rise up from those ashes and explode into what is waiting for you. I promise you it is beyond anything you have imaged so far as the person you have been. Let the grief and pain take you to the new you.

This process may take you half a lifetime, you may not even need to go through it to find your lifemate – everyone’s journey is different. But, if you find yourself like I did walking the path of much distraction and loss – consider yourself a warrior and be proud that you have been found worthy of this journey.

The kind of love that we all are looking for is not to be found in one person. Perhaps you’ve found it all in one person, and perhaps you’ve decided not to look for it at all, but for most of us searching madly for that connection, what we are looking for are experiences. We are looking for initiations into love and all it’s glory. This cannot be found in one place most of the time – this is found in a lifetime of saying ‘YES!’ to what presents itself to you. There is no right or wrong, there is no ‘one’ person – there is only you and your willingness or not to dive deep, double down and ask love to curl around the deepest parts of you and eradicate all that is not like itself.

It is not a journey for the faint of heart – obviously. But, there is no judgment if this is your path – to each his own. If your heart is screaming out for something and your soul is drifting about waiting for a place to land, then know this – Once you jump on this ride, you will get everything you want and more – it just won’t look like you think it will. IT will be everything it needs to be.


Enjoy and languish in wherever you are right now. If it’s grief, dive in, if it’s joy, rejoice. They all matter, and they are all wonderful places to be because if one thing is constant, it is that life is never constant – it always changes and evolves.





  1. Clare says:

    Wow! I rarely comment on anything, but this is so beautifully written and it felt like you were talking directly to me and describing my exact experience! You just helped me understand what I think I already knew on some level but had not yet fully embraced. Funny how things/ learning come to us when we are ready are to receive them. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart….I know that I am now with my heart mate and I think he will thank you too!

    • Kaare Long says:

      You are more than welcome! I’m so happy that my experience can bring you some truth and peace! It’s interesting how the messages we get out there can be so confusing. But, as you said, you’ve always KNOWN – getting validation for that through another feeling the same way is liberating! So I’m glad I could support with that! Congratulations on finding that true partnership!

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