Women of the world, this is a story for all of us.
We have all hid our Wild Women ways, we have all experienced the pain of being separated from our inner Warrior. It is my hopes that this story will trigger a deep longing and a desire to never give up. I want for it to stir within you an ancient need and a forgotten desire. I want for you to feel all of you, and to see the parts that may be missing still. It is time for us to bring ourselves together, to find all of our powerful parts and be united. It is time for us to rise up, to stand up, to stop running and stop hiding. Our time is now. From our fighting for equality to ‘Rape Culture’ – we have our battles in front of us, and we won’t be SHAMED into submission any longer.
I was born a Warrior. Half of me full blooded Viking. Blue eyes wide open and ready for life. As a child I was gentle and kind and I also knew this warrior spirit within me. As I grew I began to realize that this warrior within was not welcome. The power and energy that this viking spirit held was too much for some people. So, it was shamed out of me. “Stop Being So Dramatic!” “You’re acting like your Father” ” You’re like a Pit Bull, you just won’t let up” – I was told I was bossy, stubborn and my favourite: COMBATIVE.
You see, I never knew that this warrior within was not welcome. I was born into it fully and I had to learn about this exile through trial and error. I hid that part away for fear of what might happen if I let her out to play more. I learned that the raging spirit deep inside had to be quieted and hid away in a corner as to not make other people uncomfortable.
As the years went on, this buried warrior screamed out to be freed, it never stopped, it couldn’t stop – you see, it was a warrior. It didn’t know how to stop, it just knew what it wanted, and that was to be free. As this energy caved in upon itself depression, anxiety and an unsettled way moved in and made itself at home. This blackness was the guardian to the warrior – it was there to ensure that never would that warrior rise and make itself known, for if it did, death would surely result and we couldn’t have that. EGO I think it is called. Ego required silence of this spirit and ego launched sentries of ‘mental illness’ to watch over the prison.
Then, I entered into WomanHood and a wild, passionate creature full of spark and power found its way into the kingdom of me. This Wild Woman was also shamed and beaten down. She was told she was not to speak so loudly, or to speak with such conviction and anger. She was told to ‘settle down’ and to ‘calm down’ – she knew that the warrior spirit captured in the prison needed to be freed. She cried out for it and demanded it’s release. This wild woman was punished for this bad behaviour and sentenced to her own prison until she considered her actions and remembered her place. There she sat as she watched the black sentries pace back and forth – the depression,anxiety and dis’ease’ always looming, always watching. She listened to the cries of the powerful warrior buried deep within and she cried and cried for the pain it was feeling. She cried every day, she grieved for the freedom that was lost for both her and the warrior. She knew there was a better way, she knew there was a better place. As the days wore on the wild woman started to forget. She became familiar with the dark sentries and started to make friends with them. She ate with them, slept with them and they became her family. Over time the life of freedom that she once knew of so clearly faded away. The cries of the warrior became part of the daily routine and they lost their power to make her sad. They just ‘were’ now. Nothing special, nothing different.
As the years went on, this was what was. The kingdom ran the way it did and the wild woman just did what was expected of her. Once in awhile she would hear the warrior scream louder than before and it would catch her attention for a moment. She would sit in stillness and have a ‘twinge’ a feeling of something, but then she would worry someone was watching her and she would get back to her business and carry on.
This was the existence, this was the way. I was a warrior and I was a wild woman. Both meant to work together, to be together and they were kept apart for years. But, the warrior never gave up, as warriors tend to do. The warrior had started digging and digging and working to find a way out. It became silent for a long while, because it was busy – it was busy looking for a way to freedom, a way to the wild woman. Together, they would change the world, together they would finally be happy.
The wild woman meanwhile, was beaten down, lost and had forgotten her true nature. She was a victim and she was fearful all of the time. She knew she missed something, but she could never really put her finger on what that was. She focused all of her energy and her time in healing those around her, fixing the broken people. She found and tried to fix many broken men – it never worked, and each time she failed she fell further down into the darkness. She had children at one point, and these little beings, born warriors themselves, stirred something in her, but she feared for their lives so aimed to teach them the ways of the kingdom. These children though, they misbehaved a lot. They kept pushing and demanding and wanting for more. These children were also born viking warriors.
These children started to teach the woman, in secret to begin with and then more and more brazenly out in the open. The wild woman and the children decided to run away one day. Run away and just be THEM. This wasn’t really true freedom yet, since they were still running, but it was the closest the wild woman had ever been to tasting what it could be like.
They ran and ran and ran. They grew stronger every day as the world of the kingdom started to fade away in the background. They ate clean food, the exercised their powers and they started to slowly live the way of the wild woman again. But, the woman knew something was still missing. She found a mate, one that loved her wild woman ways. Her children were becoming wild women freely. All was good with the world. What was missing?
The wild woman carried on and every so often she would hear these sounds, they would be familiar and yet terrifying at the same time. She would find herself listening for these sounds every day, yet almost relieved on the days when she couldn’t hear them. Yet, they persisted – and she could not escape them. She decided to start looking for these sounds instead of running from them. She realized that she really didn’t have anything to fear anymore. She was building her own kingdom around her that allowed the wild woman ways and her confidence had grown and expanded. She wanted to discover the voice and sounds that kept calling to her.
One day she found a garden, a Wild Garden, but full of food, flowers and natural beauty. It felt familiar, it felt like home. This garden became her sanctuary and a place that she could feel calm in. She came to this garden every day. It held the secrets of her past and the energy of her ancestors who had come before her. It held the spirit of her now dead Father who was a tortured viking warrior as well – it held the love and power of her grandmother who had walked the wild woman ways before her. This garden was fertile, ancient and blessed, it was truly a wonderful place. Beasts would come, trolls would try to eat the food and run away with the flowers. The wild woman would be scared at first, but then started to just ignore them. She was able to ignore them because something was happening just outside of the garden. The trolls would try to come and then they would run off screaming just before entering the garden. Something was keeping them out. The woman wasn’t sure what it was, but she was thankful. One day, after her curiosity had just kept building and growing in strength and she had gathered up enough courage, she decided to wander to the border of the garden to explore what was happening there. Perhaps she could catch a glimpse of what was scaring the trolls and monsters off.
She carefully walked out towards the farthest edge of the garden. She stood there for a while, hesitant. She then heard the voices of the ancient ones in the garden urging her on, they whispered quietly “Go!, step forward!” ” You will be ok, you are protected” – ” Go, go GO!” – after the last ‘GO!’ she stepped forward and her breath stopped and caught in her chest as she waited for something scary to happen. It didn’t….nothing happened. She felt rather silly for being so scared, and relaxed a little. Her breath released, her muscles let go and her eyes started scanning the woods around her. Timidly at first, but building up speed and confidence with each step she started walking forward. Each step filling her with a sense of accomplishment and self love. Things she had been missing from her life for a long time. She started to sing, dance freely and release her body and spirit completely. It was a beautiful moment. Then she heard a sound….she froze. all sense of abandon had furled up inside her now, coiled and ready to run. She glanced around, fearful again. She saw a movement in the woods in front of her and her body screamed to RUN! She was frozen though and unable to move. She started to panic, breath coming fast, chest heaving, body sweating and trembling. Then, she heard a very silent whisper from behind her again. “It is ok. you are ok” – it was very quiet and she almost didn’t hear it. She listened harder. “It is ok, you are ok” – these words kept repeating from the garden behind her. They were like a mantra, a song that started getting louder and louder. This peace song rose up and circled her with its ease and calm. She started to feel safe again, and relaxed. So immersed in this song she was, she didn’t even realize that a shape had started moving towards her. When she suddenly caught a movement out of the corner of her eye, she froze again. The song stopped and her body was tense again – although this time it was not yelling at her to run. She stood her ground. She stayed where she was.
She watched this shape slowly move toward her and stayed where she was – terrified, but also too curious and oddly feeling stronger and stronger each moment. The shape started to come into focus, and something in her reached out towards it – she quickly pulled it back in. What was that? The feelings she had now were so different, more powerful, stronger and incredible intense, yet they also didn’t frighten her as much anymore. She seemed ok just standing there, welcoming in the strange shape and the intense feelings that came with it.
Closer it came, slowly and deliberately. Then it stopped right in front of her. Her heart was beating loudly, her breath was coming fast, but she looked straight at it and did not back down. “Who are you?” she said. It looked back at her and said quietly. “I am your warrior, you lost me many years ago, and I have been watching you as you have come back to your wild woman ways, I have been protecting you and you didn’t know it, I have been keeping guard as you were unaware. You were frightened of me, so I stayed unseen – until today. Today I knew it was time, I’m ready to come home now, are you ready?” – The woman was stunned into silence, yet also completely accepting of this moment and as if she had known she had been waiting for this for an eternity already. The feelings were incredibly powerful, and having this warrior so close to her made her stand taller, breathe deeper and see farther. She didn’t answer right away, and instead started watching her feelings, observing how she felt. She fell into a bit of a trance, part of her still absolutely terrified and screaming at her to pay attention and to run, now! But that voice was getting smaller and smaller. She closed her eyes, took a breath in and then brought all of her thoughts and pieces of her mind together. As a united voice, they all spoke the words, not out loud, but from deep inside. “I Am Ready” – it was so simple and so clear. The wild woman felt peaceful and grounded to the earth. She slowly opened her eyes. The warrior was no longer in front of her. But she knew, the warrior was now inside of her, a part of her. It had ALWAYS been a part of her. They had been separated long ago by shame, fear, and the dark sentries of depression and anxiety. They had finally found each other again and suddenly it all came together. The years that had been spent in fear, the running, the hiding. It was all behind her now.
The wild woman had been fine on her own, but she had always known something was missing, something more powerful, something more solid. It was her birthright warrior. It was the part of her that knew war, knew how to fight and also in the true sense of the word ‘warrior’ – she knew how to lead and how to push forward to a goal of peace and connection, never stopping and never giving up.
These are the Warrior Women of the World. There are many of us, and some have found their lost warrior and some are still looking. The anger you may feel day to day may be your warrior trying to get back to you. The anxiety and fear you feel may be your wild woman looking for a way out of the kingdom that has kept her prisoner. Find your Garden, find your Power. Your warrior will find you – it has always been with you, but it has been waiting for you to be ready. A true warrior is not a bully, or an aggressor – those are ‘fear trolls just pretending’ – a true warrior will be patient, strong and consistent. A true warrior will never force, but will never fail to enforce. A warrior stands for what is right and true. Compassionate, kind, giving and full of love. But, if you cross that warrior, become a troll or a monster out to steal from its garden of life, then you WILL suffer the consequences.
There is NO shame in this. The warrior spirit is strong and it has evolved. A peaceful warrior is just that. A warrior for peace. Fighting for the good, and refusing to be a victim are not actions to be shamed. The shamers are the trolls that do not wish you to know your power.
Find your warrior. You were born a warrior, you will not be shamed out of it anymore. You are the leaders, you are the innovators and you are the ones that will carry us into the new age, the time of the woman warrior. There will be those who will try to take you down, many will be disguised as other women, which will confuse and hurt you, but carry on. Trolls have many disguises. Stay your course and your tribe will find you. Listen to your own garden and you will find your home.
Join our FB group ‘Shame’less’ if you desire a place to let you Wild Woman run free and do the things you need to do without being shamed.
In Honour of my Father who passed away one year ago – I share this poem that he wrote that I never fully understood until recently. Until I found my own warrior. My Father never did find his, and his quest and his pain died with him. I do know that he did find it in the place he is in now. His spirit finally at peace. His death was a release to him and to me. I felt it.
Own your Warrior, create your kingdom and find your garden. Your Brave men will find you and tribe will come to you.
A Thousand Years Ago three Gods ran rampant pulsing through my veins. Odin, Thor, and Loki were the blood that hammered through my heart. Throughout the World I raped and pillaged and killed and took all that could be mine. I was not afraid to die. And, more importantly, I was not afraid to live. I am Viking. A thousand years ago. Everywhere I went, and everywhere I conquered, everywhere I stayed and stood with my blue eyes shining. I stayed, and became all that was around me. A thousand years ago. I am Viking And now I am here. I am peaceful.I am shining. After a thousand years or so. I am gentle. I have learned my lessons from a thousand years ago. Be careful. Do not push me. Deep within my heart and soul, Odin, Thor, and Loki are bleeding, and I am Viking from a thousand years ago. I am Viking. From a thousand years ago.
~ Perry Long ( WolfMan)